Who hurt the most when punshing a child?

I have been a mom for almost 27 years now, and I still hate punishing one of my children. Granted, there is really only 1 left to punish, but I hate it so much, my heart literally breaks.

A week ago today, I discovered some online behavior that was absolutely not okay, by my youngest. He is 13, homeschooled, autistic, self-isolating, and lonely. So I did what I thought was best and let him play online with “friends” that he has never met in person. I loved hearing him belly laugh while playing with them. I used his frustration and anger as teaching opportunities. I believed that being able to watch videos and scroll was helping keep him grounded when his neurodivergent brain wanted to run away screaming. I also did not do any type of monitoring his messages, scrolling, or making him get off electronics at a certain time.

I have basically let my 13 year old have free reign online, and now I am left picking up the pieces from what digital withdrawal looks like for him. And in case you haven’t seen the research, the withdrawal symptoms are very similar to drug and alcohol withdrawal symptoms. Except he is 13 and it is breaking my heart.

To him it feels like I have taken away his entire world, and if I am being honest, I have. His entire social life is online. What is he left with right now? Me. In the beginning we had threats of suicide, hours of sleeping, cold stares, not speaking. It was awful. I was able to get him into an emergency psychiatric evaluation, which allowed him to bypass the 6 month wait list for therapy, thank heavens! He will start counseling tomorrow, but I just ache watching my boy in so much pain. Almost every part of me wants to cave in and let him have access to his games, his phone, his friends. But I can’t, this will be a process.

One thing I noticed on Friday was that after having no access to anything but the ability to text, he was engaging so much more with my husband and I. He was laughing, talking, being silly, it was so wonderful. I rarely see that side of him. And then I made a mistake…He was going to be with my mom on Saturday while we were with our daughter, getting her college orientation complete. I didn’t want my mom to have to put up with the hateful version of him, so I unlocked his phone and for a day and a half, he had the opportunity to do whatever he wanted on his phone, minus Discord, which I removed. In just that short time, he became hateful, angry and not speaking again, when I took his phone again. Literally 36 hours wiped away the progress he had made in the prior 4 days.

I’ve been reading the Anxious Generation, so I know I am not alone. His age group were born with devices in their hands, I actually used to joke that they would be called the “swiper generation” because before he could talk, he was navigating an ipad. This constant technology at their fingertips has absolutely caused them to be different than any generation before them. That means that I have to be a different parent for him. 

Having my boy glare at me is such a horrible feeling, but if I can put in the hard work now, I know it can make a difference in his future. His generation will never be without technology at their fingertips, so that means teaching and being an example of strong values and morals. It means showing him how to make good decisions. It also means taking his mental health very seriously. 

Is this time hard? It Is very hard. Will I look back one day and be glad that I am digging deep into the hard now? I sure hope so. 

The one thing I wish I had done differently? I wish I had monitored his Discord every day. I wish I had paid more attention to what he was doing on Roblox. I wish that I hadn’t considered his online time as an opportunity to take a break from parenting.  

My hope now? Is that a parent reading this, begins immediately to monitor the messages on your child’s discord and roblox.